Turn The Page

You know what it's like to not be good at something? Well, competitive Sierra hates it. HATES it. That feeling of utter resentment not because of the task itself, but because of the hit on your confidence. Or, the constant reminder that you're behind or lacking in some way. Believe it or not, as a kid I hated reading and writing with an absolute passion. It felt like a giant stab every time I was told to pick up the book or write a creative story. These felt like very cruel tasks from my mom and teachers. They knew it was my weakness so lettt ittt gooo. Let’s focus on my strengths please?

As I continued to get older and experience very new and real things and push past myself, which was the very thing in my way, I realized the complexity of this life and its seasons. I began reading cheesy Rom Coms during the 17 minutes of ‘read in’ each morning at school and found myself for the first time not wanting to put the book down. Does he pick her? Does he walk away? Is she only in chapters 1-8 and then never get spoken of again, yet leave a gaping missing piece in his heart? I would read these books longing for my first love. Longing to grow up rapidly. Longing to be in college, and experience all of this. My small mind just couldn't comprehend chapters. Some people walk away, and some people move on. Some people keep fighting for you and with you. And then sometimes people make decisions that end up hurting you beyond repair. Some people get the high school sweetheart and dream house, and others are hitting rock bottom. As years of my life passed, chapters closed at a crossroad with decisions I needed to make.

I remember being in first grade and sitting on the burgundy red carpet floors during recess. On this specific day it was freezing cold so the teachers let us stay in and play board games, talk, or just sit and do nothing. I remember that day we had our state testing. That week was always my worst nightmare. My mom would make me go to bed at 8:30pm sharp and then in the morning eat a big breakfast even if I tried to fight it, because who's hungry or ready to have a conversation about “doing my best” at 7am? Nobody. A psychopath is who. When you don't naturally excel at tests or school in general, I'm telling you this week is full of anxiety. A lot was riding on these tests. So, me and my best friend were eating our go-to recess snack, cheez its, when she asked me a question that took .5 seconds to answer. “Sierra, promise me one day when our husbands die, we are old and not of much use that we can be roommates in the nursing home? Promise we will be friends forever.” My innocent self was thrilled to have her in every single chapter of the book that was unfolding in my life. We grew up, we wrote our crushes' names on the unfinished wood under her parents' steps to the basement, and we screamed “Picture to burn” by Taylor Swift when they didn't like us back. We laughed, grew together and then one day I looked back and she was no longer being written into new chapters. What happened to being roommates at 85 years old? You see, chapters are unpredictable, magical, and thrilling. People are unpredictable. And even though she didn't make it through the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on those chapters because they were some of my favorites. They shaped me.

I started looking at my life as chapters in one really long book. Like the author was giving me just one page at a time because if I looked at the entire thing, I would try to read it all in one sitting. I might even jump to the last page and it would take away every beautiful tiny moment that I often take for granted or look past until it's a distant memory. For example, the time a small town girl from Indiana saw Lake Tahoe for the first time. She had her head hanging out the window in full awe of the mountains, and as they were whipping around those corners they saw a man in his boat fishing all alone. It was such simplicity and I was in complete awe. Or, the time I met my little sister for the first time. I thought my mom was never going to stop bringing tiny humans into the world. It was like clock work. Or, the time my dad made me my favorite food for the very first time. Oh how I love me some fried chicken pizza. Or, watching my best friend walk down the aisle to her best friend and he couldn't hold back the tears because he knew he hit the absolute jackpot. Or, the giddy butterfly feelings I got the first time that boy held my hand on a ride at Holiday World. At one point or another whether you like it or not you realize the days keep coming and they aren't slowing down for you. You don’t get to pause the big moments. And the tragic moments you don't get to erase or speed up. Rather, I find we must enjoy each page no matter how it comes to us. Maybe I am ignorant to even assume it's some really long book with hundreds of chapters.. But what do I actually know? The impatience in me wants the whole narrative. What characters stick around? When are there new ones? I want to arrive at this big dramatic climax instead of taking life's sweet mundane moments day by day.

So today's chat with Sierra isn't some big motivational, “do better” conversation. Today I am gonna ask you to sit and just be. Enjoy life's little, tiny, seemingly insignificant moments. Embrace the season or chapter you find yourself in because as you look around at these people, these places, and this time, it won't always be as it was. The clock won't stop for you. And things won't always be this way.

Remember I am a quick call, text, or flight away always!!

All my love,

Sie