The List

Have a seat. Today is just a conversation with Sierra.

Over the past few years of being in Bible college I have had lots of opportunities to define for myself the core values in my life, as well as the hope to find in a spouse.

What do you value? I think this is where we have to start. Let us get introspective for a minute. Core values are deep rooted beliefs and the fundamentals of how we live day to day. Furthermore, I think it's important we take a moment and define those. Core values shape everyday decisions, and what you stand for. I need you to ask yourself these few questions before we go any further with the marriage stuff and the “list”

Does this define me?

Is this who I am at my best?

Is this a filter that I use to make hard decisions?

(With the help of Brene Brown)

Before you begin the journey of dating with purpose and direction it's really important to define for yourself what is important. Do you value hard work? Fitness? Faith? Discipline? I could go on and on, but what I want to encourage you with is to identify your top 5 before you continue to read.

It is our human desire and deep need to be in community. We were not designed to be alone. We were created to be in a relationship with one another. Community helps us to gain knowledge and wisdom about life and growth- heart, soul, and mind. So if you have a burning desire to be married, you are in a good place. It is normal. In the Bible it even says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with the Lord. Sounds like a good thing to me. So if you are reading this and feel a little discouraged or believe these types of spouses don't exist, I am here to tell you they absolutely do. This list is going to keep you centered when a really cute guy or girl comes along. It is important to define these boundary markers so that we don't get blinded by charm, good looks, or emotions.

Let's jump in.

So what is a non- negotiable? By definition it is something that isn't open for discussion or modification. This is a character trait (not physical) that you are looking for in a potential partner as you date. Think of the things like “respectful” or “high integrity” or “growth oriented”. These are the 5-10 things that if you find they don't have, it's likely they wouldn't be a fit for you. If you ignore those things early on it will eventually lead to unfulfillment or hurt. Which I really want to protect you from.

As you do this process I recommend writing down a list of about 15 things you are looking for. Dont filter yourself at first. From there, you want to separate the things on your list into 3 categories. NEED to have. NICE to have. FUN to have.

As you begin the “list” , write everything out. Don't know where to start? I got you.

When I started the list I began by looking at men in my world. No, none of them are perfect but I started to identify characteristics I loved. For example, my dad is one of the best humans. There are so many things I have watched him over the years do very well. He has always been emotionally available. He probably would smack me for sharing this but it's something I admire about him. He can cry over a sad movie, no matter how predictable it is. He will lay in bed after a sucky break up. He will not say a word in the car if you don't want to. He owns up to things he hasn't done perfectly, but always pours out everything he has for his kids. Based on my dad's example I would put emotionally available, and hard working on my list. (I can only have 5 so I have to be picky.)

Next, I look at my closest guy friends/ sphere of influence. Ask yourself this, who are two guy/ girl friends in my world? What made me choose to be their friend? Think of their character.

One of my close friends is extremely smart. He could rattle off so many facts about the most random things yet remains very humble. He holds a tension that most cannot. Through his example of balancing that tension, I have begun to desire it as well. . Someone that knows more about the Bible than me. Someone who has hobbies/ skills that I do not have. So I can learn them. I value learning and asking questions. All the questions. So, naturally I would want an educated husband/ partner.

You must define this for yourself, my answers are only examples.

So, now that you have made this list as unfilter as possible we are going to categorize them into three groups.

NEED TO HAVE’S:

These are your non-negotiables. They need to be in line with your values and ideally are characteristicsThis could include specifics in your faith, vision for your life, or what you see in the future. Keep this to 5 or less.

Out of your unfiltered list, what would fall into this category? Did you realize you need to add more to this list of “ need to haves.”

Here's how it could work: if GROWTH is a top tier value for you, maybe the characteristic of being “growth minded” is on the list. If FAITH is a top tier value for you, maybe godliness, faith, or discipleship is on the list. Ask yourself this. By putting this on the list would it one bring you closer to God, and head in the direction of your future? Would it challenge you, grow you, and compliment you well?

Tip: 6 foot tall, brown hair, or wealthy aren't characteristics that should ideally be on your “need to have” list.

NICE TO HAVE’S:

These are things that they don't have to have but you would like for them to have. A sense of humor, adventurous, willing to try new things, etc. Attraction is important. Having things in common is important. If they have 0 of the “nice to have” qualities, that might be an issue.

FUN TO HAVE’S:

These are purely bonuses. Cherry on the top vibes. These are our preferences. Such as athletic, pretty eyes, 6 foot tall. The irony is, you probably won't get every single one of these, but you will still feel fully satisfied married to this person. (Ladies, if he is 5’10 it's gonna be okay I promise.) For me, eyes are a big thing on this list. I would love them to have pretty eyes because essentially all other looks will change. Weight, wrinkles, and abs are all gonna change, but their eyes are the only thing that never changes. However, if I find a man with the character qualities I need, brown eyes aren't going to be the deal breaker.. Are you tracking with me?

I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a clearer vision of the person that will align and compliment you so well. Now moving on to the waiting game, my friends. Not fun but oh, so worth it. Look around, are there people in your world already that possess a lot of things on your list but aren't 6 foot tall or know how to surf? Do not discredit those people. Do not allow this “list” to disable you but actually enable you to see people in a new light.

Love always,

Sie